Dear Ashton – Help! My Friend Has Affairs with Married Men!

Dear Ashton: This morning I’ve been thinking about a new friend that I’ve made over the few months. She’s fun, successful in her career, giving, very nice and in my age group. BUT she will have affair with married men; this part does bother me since my ex cheated on me. So my question is should this be a deal breaker for a friendship or not?

– Newfound Friend

Dear Newfound Friend: This is such a great question, and I can understand the dilemma you feel about choosing to end or continue a friendship with this person. On one hand, you have found a person who you enjoy spending time with and have strong common interests. She seems like a fun person to be around and someone who would be a great friend…”if.”

It is the “if” that is the deal breaker. Whenever there is an “if” or “but” when describing a relationship, serious issues follow. The fact that she will have affairs with married men disturbs you on a deeper level, and for good reason. This is because you understand the consequences of her actions first-hand and know the damage it does to an entire family. Someone who can callously enter into affairs with married men and carelessly destroy the covenant between a husband and wife is someone who does not respect any relationship. Unfortunately, your friend does not respect the most sacred bond between two people on earth, and this is a reflection of her character. Yes, she may appear fun, caring, and giving, but there is something much darker going on in her life. There is definitely something wrong with her conscious to be able to participate in adultery and act as if nothing is wrong.

So, the short answer is yes, it should be a deal breaker for the friendship. She does not have the capacity to be a good friend to you, and you being her friend co-signs her behavior. Overlooking her adulterous behavior because of the other benefits of the friendship is condoning the adulterous behavior. That is the source of angst you feel over the relationship. It is best to walk away, and if she asks you why tell her the truth. It just may be what she needs to hear to evaluate her life and make changes.

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  • Eric Jones

    Dear Ashton,

    Great advise. A couple of thoughts came to mind as I was reading. 1) Does the person has a relationship with Christ. If so, Matthew 18:15
    “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.” Telling them to walk away is not allowing her to properly communicate her feeling and emotions. I see this in a lot in relationships and marriages. We are not mind readers:)

    2) Maybe it’s because your a wonderful women:) but you put a lot of emphasis on the woman’s role in the affair. The man in the marriage is the real one at fault. He chose to step away from the covenant made before God, family, and friends. Not letting her off the hook. Just saying. Maybe I am putting emphasis on him because I am a man.

    • Hi Eric & thank you for commenting! You bring up some great points and they were all things that I thought about when writing the response. However, my goal was to stay on topic and address the issue of befriending a person who readily has affairs with married men. The short answer was no, this is not the kind of person you want to have as a friend.

      This does not mean that we should not take every opportunity to witness to a person and try to help them, which is a different scenario. This is why I mentioned that she should tell the young woman (if she asks) why she is not moving forward with the friendship because it could open the door to change.

      As far as only addressing the woman’s side of the story, you are correct. I addressed it because that was the emphasis of the question submitted. In no way is that to suggest that the man is off the hook. It takes two to tango, but in this case, I am addressing the behavior of a woman who goes after married men. The married man who has an affair is more at fault, in my opinion, because he is the one who made vows to stay true to his wife. I think most women know the ‘understood’ responsibility of the husband in the situation, which is why the focus of my response was on the woman. There is an unhealthy glorification of the mistress in today’s society and renaming it ‘side chick’ is an attempt to make it seem less harmless and more acceptable. My response was also an effort to address that issue.

      Thanks again for commenting and please continue to visit and share our posts!

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